I’m not sure why. I mean, yes, Kermit would stick out because not everyone is green. But many frogs are. In fact, I’m fairly certain that Kermit is considered normal in the frog community. I would like to propose instead that it’s not easy being flawed. And it’s not easy to know what flaws are okay.
My therapist seems to think this is a priority. She says that my therapy journey is to be “90% self-acceptance and only 10% self-improvement”. But every fiber of my being rails against that. And here’s why: As a Christian and as a crazy person, I accept that I am, based on empirical data and personal moral code, deeply and irretrievably flawed. But I have been taught to strive to be my best self (mostly by Little Women, which I, in my youth, regarded as a greater authority than the Bible). So I should root out—I should strenuously labor to correct—all of the flaws that stand in the way of that.
Well, I guess that’s therapy precluded. I want one hundred percent self-improvement, one hundred percent of the time. I want to be good and lovely and kind and joyful. I want to be someone who is a pleasure and a blessing to all who come in contact with her. And I want to have the self-confidence to know my merit, without needing validation or over-analysis to verify that I have achieved these things. Not only do I want to correct all of my faults, I also want to stop thinking about them.
This is not going to happen. Thankfully, I trust my therapist as a best-self authority, so I’m willing to open myself up to this self-acceptance thing. I’m not sure, though, how to know what flaws need to be changed. There’s no guide for any of this. I have a misperception of what I should be, and I have a misperception of how I can become that; and I have a misperception of these misperceptions. So I’ll conclude with yet another open resolution, yet another vow to solve a problem to which I’ve already admitted I lack the solution. Sigh.
Today I resolve to figure out what needs to be figured out and to figure out how to figure that out and to figure out how to live my life. Somehow.
“Gee, could you vague that up for me?”