I’M SO FREAKING STRESSED.

{AUTHOR’S NOTE: When I started writing this, it was going one direction.  Then it went another.  You can read it all if you want to, but it’s a little whiny in the middle.  I recommend reading just the first sentence of each of the numbered points and all of the first and last paragraphs.  Enjoy!}

So…I have a responsibility to you, my reader, to publish regularly and to push through creative difficulty.  I am not having creative difficulty.  In fact, my brain is projectile vomiting sparks and rainbows of creative miscellany.  What this looks like on my blog is four titled posts waiting to be finished.  But I have not the will to finish nor the focus to review any finished product.  I have, therefore, decided to just write out a bunch of my thoughts this morning.  There will be no proofreading, no revision, no hesitation (well…little of each–not my usual level of scrutiny).  I will just share some of the things that are going on in my life in typical Ingrid freeform.

1.  I’m super stressed because I suddenly have a bunch of weird health problems.  My teeth are dimmed from their typical dazzling white for the first time in my life, and I don’t know what’s causing it.  I went to the ER the other night for vomiting with no other symptoms (I actually thought this was related to acid reflux).  I’m tired all the time now, and I get a headache every night as soon as it gets dark outside.  Worst of all, the skin around my wrists has spontaneously developed weird dark patches which the dermatologist couldn’t explain.  I will say, however, that it’s entirely possible that several of these are a result of taking Doryx, which I had just started when this stuff began.  But it’s still quite unnerving.

2.  I’m super stressed because Omi is about to go into a memory care facility.  My aunt and I toured Emeritus for the first time last week, expecting a late-July, possibly August, move-in.  Unfortunately, there had been a slight miscommunication, whereby there was already a down payment in place and they couldn’t hold the room for more than three weeks.  Long story short, we’re moving her in next Tuesday (6/18).  On the one hand, I think this is a good thing because it will be a stimulating environment managed by caring professionals.  On the other hand, I hate it because it’s not home.

3.  I’m super stressed because my brain won’t shut off.  I am having a vivid, anxious dream every night.  Two nights ago, the dream included college and high school.  Christine Baranski was sitting next to me at a dinner (I’ve been watching a lot of The Good Wife), and I was really excited.  But then a guy from my past did something really crappy, and (just as I was about to take a picture with Ms. Baranski) got mad at me.  She left the table because she was on the guy’s side.  Then I went to a sort of tiered park, where a bunch of kids were waiting with singing and dancing to cheer me up.  Then I went to my college campus, which turned into the chapel at my high school.  As I got into the elevator, another friend from college got in with me and said that he was on my side.  Then I woke up (for which I’m thankful because I think the dream was about to get really confusing).

4.  Carmen’s coming home.  And I’m really excited to see her.  But it’s frakking with my emotions.  A lot of these crazysauce dreams involve her coming home and not wanting to hang out with me (which is ridiculous, but whatever).  And I keep worrying about things that could go wrong and make it so I can’t see her (in less than 3 weeks!!).  But mostly it just sort of feeds the manic part of my hypomania.  So there’s that.

Okay, now that I have listed all of this, I realize that I am just sort of…whining.  So there are gnats buzzing around my head that I can’t seem to swat.  I have arms and legs that work.  I have a solution to all of the ways in which I am an inadequate caregiver.  I have an imagination that yields far more good than bad.  And I will see my best friend again soon.  Plus I’m spending every weekend this month in the company of friends.  And I’ve got a haircut coming up (I love getting a haircut).  And Hannibal got renewed.  And my friend’s son finally let me hold him for the first time since we met (2 months).  And he smiled at something I did.  And I found a new Tex-Mex joint downtown.  And Omi is going to have intensive physical therapy at her new place.  And I read a really inspiring comic on The Oatmeal.  And my car is getting fixed (I’m also stressed because my car needs repairs before I can make a wedding this weekend).  And I had a Slurpee with breakfast.  And I’m reading Harry Potter on my Kindle.  And I am very dearly loved.  And I loved Top of the Lake.  And I am still able to be useful to my friends from far away.  And I have a weekend on the books with Bethy in August.  And Deb got in to design school in Delft!!  And Peché exceeded my expectations once again.  And there’s a Woody Allen movie coming out.  And I’m playing the official Game of Thrones game with church folks on Sunday!!  And I have a new friend!!  And I have found a way(/ways) to be useful at church.  And TV is evolving.  And people are evolving.  And I am evolving.  And everything goes around again, and God smiles benevolently upon it all.

Wow.  That’s a lot to be thankful for.  Ok–that’s all I got for today.

Love & blessings to all,

Ingrid

Esther & Ingrid at The Salt Lick

Esther & Ingrid at The Salt Lick this past weekend

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4 thoughts on “I’M SO FREAKING STRESSED.

    • Aw, thanks! But, really, I’m going to be okay. The point is that my reasons to feel poorly are weak and foolish. :/ And realizing that has made me feel better! 😀

    • Thanks, Caroline! This is one of the ways in which I’ve realized that blogging is not Writing: you begin to share your life, and your life is altered in the sharing. 😉

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